Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
