i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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