Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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