this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
