remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
