I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize