apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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