There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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