Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
