my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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