the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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