i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
