The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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