I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
