just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
