the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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