You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
