just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I'm really busy with my period
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