I showed him my bush... on skype.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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