I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
