you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
