There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize