a queef is a wish your heart makes.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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