end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize