What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
