I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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