Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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