you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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