We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
