How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
