a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
