so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
