I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Blood and glitter go together right?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
