upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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