A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
