If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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