you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
