I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
