I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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