i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
