I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
high people should be assigned attendants
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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