When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
