The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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