HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
