His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
