If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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