my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
