she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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