i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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