Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
