Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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