Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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