I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
