Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
