There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
wow bdsm is so cute
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