I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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