I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
