How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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