Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
