Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize