Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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