She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
