She said her name was "party"
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize