I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
