he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Randomize
