drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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