I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
