im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Randomize
